No Matter Where I am, Healing is in YOUR hands!

I have been super struggling lately. My heart is broken into pieces and it's starting to take a toll on me. My heartbreak, I don't mean the kind where your boyfriend just broke up with you after 3 months and your heart is broken because you "loved" him. It's not like that. I feel like the people I trusted for the most of my senior year in college, I can't trust anymore. It hurts so much to know that the people I have relied on for so many months have now been ripped from my grasp.

The only thing that makes it a little easier is knowing that I probably shouldn't have given my complete trust to those people anyway. Some of you probably don't know this, but I trust entirely too easy. I don't necessarily think it is a bad thing, but it definitely can be. It is now biting me in the butt. I'm a very open person and I think that's why I trust everyone. I have my guard up so high right now, that I'm not sure anyone will be able to break it down. Old wounds and new ones are gushing and it's really just making me feel awful. I don't know if I'm supposed to shut down emotionally and let know one in, or just pretend like nothing has ever happened.

Spring break was a week that I needed. My body needed to rest, and I did A LOT of that. I went to bed every night at 10:30 and woke up at 7. But I messed up. Big time. The very first day I forgot who I was and what my values were and completely let go of what I knew was right. I'm not proud, but I've moved on. I felt an overwhelming sense of guilt after it happened and from that day on I didn't want to do anything else except sleep and try to forget it ever happened. The only thing that made me realize that I would make it through is the fact that the Lord forgives. Knowing this, I should have been able to forgive myself, but it wasn't until the end of Spring Break when I finally realized I could forgive myself too.

But just because I forgave myself doesn't mean I will ever forget what happened. I feel as if I grew so much after it, and remembered that the Lord is the only important thing in my life. I often forget that the Lord is ALL I need, and this reminder came at such a good time.

With a broken heart, it is hard to see God's will for my life. I know he is going to put me through trials before he prepares me for a bigger adventure. When I blogged on relationships I was in a spot in my life when I was ok with being single. Most days, I still feel that way. But I can't help but wonder if I will ever get married. I desire that so much, but I won't settle for anything less that what I deserve. My friend Sarah Beck always tells me to never settle and to make sure that my husband is my best friend and someone that will treat me better than what I even think. That being said, it's clear to see that I have HIGH expectations.

Last year I got my heart ripped in half. Of course, it was by a boy I knew that I should not be involved with, but nevertheless, it killed me inside. This boy was one of my best friends, but we weren't based on the right thing. We were attracted to each other, and liked the idea of each other, but our spiritual lives were only brought up a few times. Of course, I fell for this boy, and he told me the same and that he wanted a future with me, then disappeared. I trusted this boy with information that I don't tell anyone. Ever. But I thought he was trustworthy and if our relationship was going to move forward, he needed to know some things about me. I've since healed from this heartbreak most days, but sometimes my heart breaks again thinking of how great a friend a lost.

Recently, the same thing happened again. I thought that I had completely healed from the first boy, the this one re-opened every would that I had and cut them even deeper. This time it was different. I didn't know of the feelings this boy had for me, and he was one of my best guy friends. I ended up losing my best friend. It wasn't fun. I understood his reasoning for backing away from me, but it didn't make it hurt any less.

Now I'm in such a difficult position. I don't feel as if I can trust anyone anymore. I have so much going on in my life, especially with my future, and I don't trust anyone to completely open up about it. This is a hard spot to be in.

But rest assured, I have found some peace. The Lord has been SO GOOD to me lately. I'm reminded over and over through His Word how sovereign He is. I'm never alone. I can ALWAYS trust Him. He can rescue me from the feelings I've been having lately and can cure my broken heart. I'm not saying it will be easy to heal my heart, but if anyone can do it, the LORD can. I can't wait to see what He is going to do in my life. Now if I can only make it through 6 more weeks of school....

>K