Obsessed

I just finished reading Crazy Love by Francis Chan. It has taken me an incredible amount of time to read, but I think that God allowed me to finish it at the exact time I needed it. I have been feeling so off lately. Apathy has been my worst enemy. This feeling started about two weeks ago, and I am finally at my wits end with it. Instead of enjoying my last few weeks in Haiti, all I have been looking at is getting home. Throughout the week, I am totally fine. The days go by so quickly, but when the weekend rolls around, I wallow around in my self-pity and feel bad for myself. Instead of doing something about it like reading my Bible and praying, I would watch movies and play on Facebook. I didn’t care what was happening in my heart. I shut it out, saying “I’ll deal with this later.” Later finally caught up with me.

I don’t want to regret my last 8 weeks here. I’ve been on that path. I am in no way miserable being here; I’m just really homesick. I see what my friends are doing and I long to be with them. I love my friends here, I love my students, but my heart is so set on Nashville, and what life will be like once I’m there. I’ve been disobedient to what God is calling me to do. I have not abandoned my faith, but I’ve become a lazy person in all aspects. I’m not being the best anything: best teacher, best friend, best daughter, best sister.

As I was reading the final chapters of Crazy Love, Francis Chan profiles characteristics of the obsessed. I recalled the times in my life when Christ was my all. I remember in High School, facing the torment of other students because I was a “good girl” and a “Bible beater.” I remember in college and being involved in 5 Bible studies a week because I couldn’t get enough of Christ. I recall a few months ago when I was sitting in my room crying out to Christ because He was ALL I had. I look back at Spring Break when incredible friends surrounded me and we had so many great conversations about what God was doing. So many instances have I seen those characteristics in my life. I look in the mirror right now, and all I see is lazy, avoidant, unloving. All of the things I never wanted to be, I have become.

Where did that “obsessed” girl go? I’ve been avoiding conversations about the topic because I was terrified to admit it. Until last night, that is. God has placed some incredible people in my life while I have been here in Haiti, and last night was one of the nights where God used His perfect timing to break me down. One of the teachers was in my apartment until 1:00 this morning and I poured out my heart to her. I told her how unhappy and disappointed I was that I’ve let myself get this far. I have no willpower to even care about the Bible or prayer. I haven’t loved my students like they need.

She was so practical and said “then start doing something. Talking about it will not solve anything. You will wish for these days in Haiti where you can sit around and be lazy, but don’t waste this time.” So profound. Exactly what I needed to hear. I can complain and mope and say I wish I was still that girl, but if I just talk about it, nothing will change.

So I am going to be the girl that I know God wants me to be. I’m done complaining and moping. I’m starting to cry as I write this because it feels so good to say those words. I haven’t wanted to say those words in so long. I’m completely surrendered in every aspect of my life. I will not waste these last weeks.

Ok, Kristina, it’s out there. You’ve said it. But what will change? What are you going to do?

Francic Chan laid out 13 different characteristic of being obsessed.

1. Lovers – I want to love those that have hurt me. I will pray for those who persecute me and don’t understand me. I will give without repayment, whether that be physically or emotionally. I will love those that cannot love me back.

2. Risk Takers – I will not be consumed with my personal safety and comfort, but I will look more to what will advance the Kingdom, whether that involves my pain or not.

3. Friend of All – I will love the poor. I will pray for them. I will help them in any way that I possibly can, whether that be in Haiti or the States.

4. Crazy One – I will stick out. I will not conform to what everyone expects me to be. I will follow Christ, even if that path does not end in wealth of success.

5. The Humble – I will NOT be prideful. I will refuse recognition for anything because I know that it is Christ that is working through me.

6. Servers – I will not look at serving others as a burden, but a pleasure. Not because I have to, but because by serving someone, I can love them.

7. Givers – I will give. I will give financially, emotionally, physically, in any way that I can. I will always see my self as “too fortunate” and help those that I know are in need.

8. Sojourners – I will constantly keep my thoughts heavenward. I will rejoice in what God allows me to do on Earth, but I will keep my focus on what is above.

9. The Engrossed – I will have a passionate love for God above every other thing that I love. I will not allow my family, friends, job, or anything else to become an idol.

10. Unguarded One – I will not mask the ugliness of my sin. I will not hide the struggles I face. I will never be afraid to tell God exactly how I am feeling and what I am going through.

11. The Rooted – I will be fed through the Word of God. I will be more intimate with Him by spending time learning about Him and growing in His Word. I refuse to be distracted by all the messages I face each day.

12. The Dedicated – I will not allow my joy to depend on the circumstances around me. My joy will come from the ultimate joy giver, God alone.

13. Sacrificers – I will be faithful to my Savior no matter the cost. I will thank Him for everything, every day. I will be a child and a friend of God.

I’ve known for a long time that I’m not going to be normal. I’m not going to live a comfortable life in the States and make a lot of money. God did not create me that way. I have a burning passion for Him and I want to focus on being right here, right now. I do want to look to my future and pray that God does His will in my life, but right now, I need to get back to the girl I know I’m supposed to be. That means that I’m spending way less time on Facebook and worrying about what is going on in America, and more time delving into His word and learning more about my incredible Savior. I finally feel that burn and the passion for knowing Him more, and I do not want to be distracted by the things that have distracted me for the past several months.

I have an incredible opportunity. It is right here in front of me. I am not going to waste my final eight weeks. I will have intentional conversations and I will love my God with everything that is inside of me. He has already transformed me so much, and I refuse to be apathetic anymore.

I would love your prayers. This is definitely a process, and I’m not claiming it to be an easy one. I know that God will work in me and I finish out this incredible experience in Haiti. Love you all.