Happy Birthday Sweet Baby

Today would have been Melissa Hope's 2nd birthday. I always thought that on this day, I would be celebrating with her, and the Chapman's, the family that was in the process of adopting her. God had other plans.



I will never forget Melissa and the impact she had on my life. You can read about that here and here.


This has been an especially hard day, but I have felt God's presence so strong and He is giving me peace as I continue this journey. One of the songs that really helped me get through this time was By Your Side by Tenth Avenue North. Here are some of the lyrics:

And I'll be by your side Wherever you fall In the dead of night Whenever you call And please don't fight These hands that are holding you My hands are holding you Look at these hands and my side They swallowed the grave on that night When I drank the world's sin So I could carry you in And give you life I want to give you life Cause I, I love you I want you to know That I, I love you I'll never let you go

On my way to work this morning, this song played on the radio. I knew that God was speaking to my heart and reminding me that He was here for me and was going to get me through this day. Then, we had chapel this morning and the first song the praise band played was this song. I began to tear up, but tried to hold it together. I just closed my eyes and felt God's presence all around me.



As sad as I am that I don't get to hug her and hold her, I know that she impacted so many, and that God will use her story for years to come. But even knowing that doesn't necessarily make it any easier. I covet your prayers as I continue about this day.

That One Star Flag State

My roommate, Michelle, and I decided we needed a little vacation. So in October, we found a cheap flight and went to Dallas, Texas. We had no expectations, and no plans, except for a concert on Saturday night. We flew in on Thursday and went straight to our hotel.

Cue creepy thrasher movie music. Our hotel was a bit terrifying, but what can you expect from a cheap flight + hotel combination. We grabbed some food at a local Mexican restaurant and then decided to go to Billy Bob’s, which is a famous nightclub in Ft. Worth. We were expecting it to be kind of like the Wildhorse in Nashville, but boy, we were wrong! Ever heard of the Texas two-step? That is was EVERYONE was doing. It was really fun to watch then twirl and spin and dip, but it got boring after a little while. Apparently, this dance is in everyone’s blood. No beginners were on the floor, just seasoned veterans. We left after a little while and decided that we really needed to learn how to two-step.

Friday we woke up and headed to Dallas. We rode the downtown Trolley and ate at a yummy Chinese restaurant called Lovers Egg Roll. I could eat that every day.

After riding around on the trolley, we decided to go to a pumpkin festival! It reminded me of Cheekwood. There were so many pumpkins! We even found an orange and white house!

After walking around for a while, we decided to go see Cowboy stadium. Who wouldn’t want to see where the Cowboys play! Sadly, there is nothing on the stadium that even says “Dallas Cowboys.” It was a major letdown.

Right next to Cowboy Stadium was Ranger Stadium, where the Texas Rangers baseball team plays. The Rangers were one game away from going to the World Series, so it was pretty cool to see where they play. The stadium was super nice. After adventuring around the stadiums, we headed to Arlington to see what it was like. We detoured and say Dallas Baptist University. Such a little school, but extremely nice. On our way to Arlington, we heard on the radio that Chris Young would be playing for ten dollars! You better believe that we planned on doing that for the night! Before we did that, we drove around University of Texas, Arlington. We weren’t really impressed with the school. We decided on some Mexican food again, then headed to the concert.

I officially LOVE Chris Young. He was so great! We had a really great time at the concert. I looked at my phone when we left and I had a text from a random Nashville number that said “what are you doing in my city?” Creepy! I found out it was an old high school friend, and he wanted to meet up the next day. UT was playing so we decided on going to Buffalo Wild Wings and watching part of the game. Before we met up with him we went to see Gaylord Texas and Grapevine Mills. We had the best barbeque we had ever tasted and realized that Texas had a bit of a Nashville feel to it.

We raced back home to get ready for Ranch Bash, a huge festival in Fort Worth with Casey Donahew. It was so fun, but extremely crowded. It really made me appreciate Texas country music a whole lot more.

Overall, it was a really fun trip, and I would love to go back any time.

Moo Boo

Melissa Hope. A lot of you know my personal journey with this amazing little girl. When I moved to Haiti, I never expected to do many of the things I did. I went down with an eager heart to serve a people group to the best of my ability. I went to Haiti with a fear of caring for children, but God knew exactly what He was doing when He placed me in Haiti.

After doing volunteer work for a few weeks, Quisqueya Christian School offered me a full-time teaching position at their school. QCS is a unique school, in that it was originally meant to educate children of missionary families, but has turned in to a school where many Haitians want their to kids to learn. QCS offers a top-notch education in English, and I was honored to be on staff. I had never taught before, so the learning curve was steep. I was lucky to have such great support at the school to help me learn as I was teaching.

My main goal with my students was to invest in their lives and let them know I really care, while teaching them about the incredible authors and works of literature that I have loved. Leaving there was one of the hardest things I have ever done, and I think about my students daily.

If having a brand new job wasn’t enough of an adjustment in a foreign, third world country, Melissa came in to the picture. After Melissa was abandoned, I somehow opened my mouth to say that I would care for her. I thought caring for her meant a couple of days or weeks, and at the time, I didn’t realize that I would end up caring for her for 5 months and think of her as my child.

She was about 6 months old when she was abandoned, but was the size of a tiny newborn, suffering from a heart defect, Down’s syndrome, and malnutrition. In my short time with her, I learned more about myself than I could in any other situation.

I thought I was incapable of taking care of a child. The Lord made me capable. I was terrified to be her caregiver. The Lord calmed my fears. Many times I said, “I can’t do this! I’m 23!” The Lord matured me and reminded me that He was working through me. I didn’t know how to change a diaper, fix a bottle, or love a child. With the help of some friends and a lot of prayer, I learned all of those skills.

Melissa changed my life in a drastic way. I loved her with everything in me, and even though she couldn’t “love me back,” it was enough to know that she was changing my life. It was incredible to see her mimic some of the faces I would make to her. And who knew that I could talk to a baby! I sure didn’t.

When I moved into an apartment on campus, I was devastated to leave my Melissa Hope. In those few months, she became a child of mine, and I loved her as a mother loves a daughter. It basically ripped my heart knowing I wouldn’t see her as often. Little did I know I would only get five more minutes with her.

Jenny Chapman was in the process of adopting Melissa Hope. She had been doing everything in her power to get Melissa home, but kept hitting snags. When I left Haiti in May, all I could think about was getting to see Melissa more often once she was home with Jenny in Alabama. A short drive, and I would be reunited with this child that I loved. On September 5^th, I was on my way home from a canoe trip with my church. I checked my Facebook and I had a message from Jenny saying, “Call me ASAP.” In my head I was hoping she was going to tell me that Melissa was coming home, but in my heart, I knew that would not be the case.

The night before, we had a worship night, and I couldn’t stop crying. If you know me at all, you know that I NEVER cry. I think my tear ducts have dried up. I had no idea why water was flowing my eyes, but now I believe that God was preparing my heart for what I was about to hear.

I called Jenny, and from the moment she answered the phone, I knew something was wrong. She put it plainly and softly said, “Melissa died this afternoon.” My head started spinning and I started to cry uncontrollably. My heart felt like it was broken in half, and I couldn’t even breathe. I didn’t want to believe it. I wanted it to be false. Jenny explained to me what happened, but I didn’t comprehend it very well. As far as I knew, her oxygen level had dropped, and she passed away peacefully.

I don’t understand it. I’m not sure I even believe it as true. I keep thinking that I’ll get to go down to Alabama for her homecoming and spend more time with her. It’s so surreal, and the hardest death I’ve had to face thus far.

So where do I go from here? Some days I’m paralyzed by the fear that I have. I loved Melissa with my entire heart, and now she’s gone. As much as the pain is still there, I have to remember the amazing things that Melissa did in her short life.

She changed my life. She changed a lot of other people’s lives too. If her only purpose in her 18 months of life was to radically change my life, then I can rejoice in her death, because she definitely fulfilled that purpose. I’m not sure I knew what it meant to love until I loved that child.

I’m definitely one to say, “I love you!” to everyone that I know. I want people to know that I care about them, and I try to invest in others lives. Since knowing Melissa, that is even more true now.

As much as it sucks to know that I’ll never see her again, her story will live on for years. She was a very special little girl, and I have no doubt that hundreds of people will carry on her story. The Lord has blessed me with the opportunity of caring for her, and I am so thankful that He allowed me to do that. As much as I said, “I can’t do this!” He has proved faithful and will continue to help me every step of the way.

Semester One of Graduate School

Since I've been on such a hiatus, I'm going to start from the most recent things and try to work my way back.

When I came home, I enrolled at Lipscomb University to start my Masters of Education. My first class was called Principles of Learning. I basically learned how people learn. It was really interesting, and ended up coming out of that class with a 100. I couldn't believe that I was in a Masters class and received a 100 percent.

My second class was called planning, instruction, and assessment. That is pretty self-explanatory. I wrote lots of lesson plans and learned a whole lot about assessing how students learned. I have gained so much knowledge, and I'm happy to report that I am a lesson plan writing fool! I had to write a 5 lesson plan unit plan, and decided on an 8th grade unit over The Tell Tale Heart by Edgar Allan Poe. I had a really great time writing it, and ended up getting a perfect score on it!

Overall, I got an A in both of those classes, so I got my first 4.0! I'm looking forward to my next classes that start in January.

When I started my Masters program, I wanted to teach 7-12 English. I still do, but I have decided to get certified in two subjects... English 7-12 and Math 7-12. I know, I know... who does English AND Math? Well, this girl does! I start taking some refresher Math courses in January along with my basic Masters classes. I'm going to be a busy girl!

In addition to taking Masters classes, I have been tutoring at Davidson, which is where I went to high school. I subbed there every now and then, but just the other day, they offered me a full-time job for next semester! I'll be watching study halls all day, which sounds totally boring, but it will give me a chance to connect with kids. I'll still be tutoring, but I have a more permanent position.

I think what I am most excited about is just connecting with students and hanging out with them and allowing God to work in me in that capacity.

I've been going through a bit of a tough season, but the Lord is faithful and has been putting amazing people in my life to lift my spirits and remind me of my purpose here in Nashville.

Here's a sneak preview of some posts that are in the works...

• Me and my roomie, Michelle, took a road trip to Texas
• I went to 48395239 concerts this Summer, including a few of a close friend
• My sweet Melissa passed away in September, and I haven't been able to write a post about it
• Awesome things that are happening in the life of my church, Hope Fellowship

That is just a few things that I'm thinking about, but I promise to try to stay on top of my blogging.

K

To Blog or Not To Blog

I have been debating on whether or not I want to keep blogging. I have taken a MAJOR hiatus, but I have finally decided that I am going to keep blogging. My life has taken so many twists and turns since I returned from Haiti, and I want to be able to document and share with you the many changes that I am going through.

But I'm not going to start blogging until tomorrow. I want to do a "catch up" post and let you know about some really exciting things in my life and the life of my best friends. Stay tuned!

K

It's Been A While

Hey friends!

It's been quite a while since I last blogged. I wish that I could put in to writing the emotions I have felt lately. I have had good feelings and sad feelings, angry feelings and everything in between. I'm going to try to recap the summer, but mostly through pictures since that is less boring :)

I got home after a LONG day of travel and immediately went to Steak and Shake with my 7 friends that came with me to the airport. This picture is gross, but it's the only one we took that night.

I finally got reunited with the Tripod!



A few days after I got home, my cousins, aunt, uncle, and grandma came for a Nashville visit!

I met a famous guy...

I was a date to a wedding.

Then there was camp. I really want to devote a whole blog to the awesomeness of camp, but this one little picture can show you just how ridiculous it is.

After camp, we headed downtown for the fireworks and a pretty sweet Darius Rucker concert.

After that, I headed up to Pigeon Forge with my roomie to see this guy. I just love Georgey.


That really sums up a lot of the summer. I've been hanging out with lots of people and just readjusting to life. I got in to grad school at Lipscomb University and I start on August 22. I will be getting my Masters of Education in instructional practice. I am super excited about the possibilities once I have my Masters.

I've been applying for jobs left and right, but not having much luck. I'm hoping to have something nailed down in the next week, and actually just got word of an interview on Friday. Yay!

Not a day goes by that I don't think about Haiti. My heart aches all the time. The past few days have been especially hard. I keep seeing pictures of Melissa and Junior, and many other children who touched my life. I miss giving them hugs and loving them. I miss my students. I'm around high schoolers pretty much every day, but I miss the bond that I shared with the students at QCS. I didn't think it would be this hard, but wow. I just want to teleport back there. My life here seems so meaningless. I'm not really doing anything to change the world like I said I would.

There are so many opportunities at my feet, yet I'm terrified to take them. I'm scared to put myself out there and love like I loved in Haiti. I hate this feeling, and I know it is one that only God can cure. So I'm going to pray. I'm going to pray that I love without abandon. I'm going to pray for every person in Haiti that I came in contact with. I'm going to pray for the people I'm around here in Tennessee. I'm going to step up and be the woman of God that I know I am supposed to be.

Sorry for that little rant, I just needed to get it out. I'm going to TRY to blog more regularly, but my life is still pretty boring right now :)

America!

I am back in America! Nashville, to be exact. I haven't really had time to blog because life has been go, go, go. I wanted to give a quick update just to let you know how I'm doing.

After stressing out about who was going to pick me up at the airport, I was surprised by 8 lovely friends who welcomed me with open arms. We went to Steak and Shake where I had an amazing bacon cheeseburger!

Monday I went to meet my niece, Kailee. She is super cute, but the girl cried the entire time I was there. I'm convinced she doesn't like me very much. After visiting for a while, I went to surprise my friend Katie at the airport. She had just flown in from Bulgaria. I wanted to show my support, so we visited, then went to Hard Rock Cafe for dinner. After dinner, being the cheesy girl I am, I visited my friend Kellye and watched the Bachelorette. I do love that show!

Tuesday night I went over to a house and met up with my best friend from high school, Aubrey. I am in her wedding in October, so she introduced me to all of the bridesmaids. It was so fun just to meet everyone and finally be able to be part of the wedding.

Wednesday was best friend Adam's 27th birthday! We went to Chili's for lunch and helped him celebrate the day. After lunch, I went to an animal shelter with two other friends and played with puppies. That night was Bible study, which was a great time of worship.

I have been super busy with everyone, so today is my first day to just sit by myself. A couple of people have asked me how I have been dealing with being back. I honestly haven't even had time to think about it. It has been challenging trying to process all of my thoughts. I miss Haiti so much, but I'm having so much fun visiting all of my friends. I haven't really been able to talk about it much, which makes it challenging to process all of the things going on in my brain.

So once I figure out how I'm dealing with all this, I'll let you know :)