No Matter Where I am, Healing is in YOUR hands!

I have been super struggling lately. My heart is broken into pieces and it's starting to take a toll on me. My heartbreak, I don't mean the kind where your boyfriend just broke up with you after 3 months and your heart is broken because you "loved" him. It's not like that. I feel like the people I trusted for the most of my senior year in college, I can't trust anymore. It hurts so much to know that the people I have relied on for so many months have now been ripped from my grasp.

The only thing that makes it a little easier is knowing that I probably shouldn't have given my complete trust to those people anyway. Some of you probably don't know this, but I trust entirely too easy. I don't necessarily think it is a bad thing, but it definitely can be. It is now biting me in the butt. I'm a very open person and I think that's why I trust everyone. I have my guard up so high right now, that I'm not sure anyone will be able to break it down. Old wounds and new ones are gushing and it's really just making me feel awful. I don't know if I'm supposed to shut down emotionally and let know one in, or just pretend like nothing has ever happened.

Spring break was a week that I needed. My body needed to rest, and I did A LOT of that. I went to bed every night at 10:30 and woke up at 7. But I messed up. Big time. The very first day I forgot who I was and what my values were and completely let go of what I knew was right. I'm not proud, but I've moved on. I felt an overwhelming sense of guilt after it happened and from that day on I didn't want to do anything else except sleep and try to forget it ever happened. The only thing that made me realize that I would make it through is the fact that the Lord forgives. Knowing this, I should have been able to forgive myself, but it wasn't until the end of Spring Break when I finally realized I could forgive myself too.

But just because I forgave myself doesn't mean I will ever forget what happened. I feel as if I grew so much after it, and remembered that the Lord is the only important thing in my life. I often forget that the Lord is ALL I need, and this reminder came at such a good time.

With a broken heart, it is hard to see God's will for my life. I know he is going to put me through trials before he prepares me for a bigger adventure. When I blogged on relationships I was in a spot in my life when I was ok with being single. Most days, I still feel that way. But I can't help but wonder if I will ever get married. I desire that so much, but I won't settle for anything less that what I deserve. My friend Sarah Beck always tells me to never settle and to make sure that my husband is my best friend and someone that will treat me better than what I even think. That being said, it's clear to see that I have HIGH expectations.

Last year I got my heart ripped in half. Of course, it was by a boy I knew that I should not be involved with, but nevertheless, it killed me inside. This boy was one of my best friends, but we weren't based on the right thing. We were attracted to each other, and liked the idea of each other, but our spiritual lives were only brought up a few times. Of course, I fell for this boy, and he told me the same and that he wanted a future with me, then disappeared. I trusted this boy with information that I don't tell anyone. Ever. But I thought he was trustworthy and if our relationship was going to move forward, he needed to know some things about me. I've since healed from this heartbreak most days, but sometimes my heart breaks again thinking of how great a friend a lost.

Recently, the same thing happened again. I thought that I had completely healed from the first boy, the this one re-opened every would that I had and cut them even deeper. This time it was different. I didn't know of the feelings this boy had for me, and he was one of my best guy friends. I ended up losing my best friend. It wasn't fun. I understood his reasoning for backing away from me, but it didn't make it hurt any less.

Now I'm in such a difficult position. I don't feel as if I can trust anyone anymore. I have so much going on in my life, especially with my future, and I don't trust anyone to completely open up about it. This is a hard spot to be in.

But rest assured, I have found some peace. The Lord has been SO GOOD to me lately. I'm reminded over and over through His Word how sovereign He is. I'm never alone. I can ALWAYS trust Him. He can rescue me from the feelings I've been having lately and can cure my broken heart. I'm not saying it will be easy to heal my heart, but if anyone can do it, the LORD can. I can't wait to see what He is going to do in my life. Now if I can only make it through 6 more weeks of school....

>K

Florida Florida!

So.. What am I doing in Florida? Everyone keeps asking me why I decided to spend the summer pretty much in Florida. So I'm going to answer the burning question.

Ok, so this year was filled with ups and downs in every area of my life. Stress, heartbreak, craziness... you name it and it probably happened to me. So, for the summer I really just needed to get away from the city and the people that constituted most of my unhappiness. So while doing that, I also decided to get a tan! I like to call it mind rehab.

As the year went on, my emotions went really haywire with almost losing two special people in my life, to actually losing someone, to getting my heart broken over and over again. It was just really important for me to refocus my self and remember what is important: my faith, family and friends.

I realized that I made a lot of poor decisions, mostly because of pressure or anxiety and basically not doing what I know is right. That's also probably why I got my heart broken a whole lot. I trusted everyone, which is very unusual for me, and that led to heartbreak.

But I'm now doing better. I have had time to refocus and concentrate myself and get away from the stress and the problems that I face. I know that once I am completely refocused, I will be able to combat the pressure and the stress and be able to focus myself and be the true leader that I know how to be. I'm so thankful for the friends that I do have that help me get through so much in my life. I can't wait to see what the future holds and I can't wait to be detoxed from the stress.

So I've been here in Florida. Resting, relaxing, and focusing my life. It's been a giant success. I find myself growing closer to the Lord and preparing for Super Summer in 2 weeks (which I can't wait for). I've been able to reflect back on the semester and look at each situation and identify whether it is good or bad, and how I can fix it. I know that it will involve letting people in my life go, but I also know it will be better for my sanity.

I'll blog again later about the specifics of what I've been doing, but for now, I'm gonna go watch a movie with my mom. Toodles!

>K

ANDDDD HAPPY BIRTHDAY KRISTA MERKLE.

A Whole Month

It's been almost an entire month since my last blog, but since life is calming down, I will have more time to blog. This month has been ridiculously crazy. With school and work, I have barely had time to breathe. This month has really showed me God's grace, and has been helping me grow more in Him. I wish I could remember all the things that have happened this month, but I definitely know I can't remember all of it.

I had finals, which went very well. As soon as my last final was over, I went straight into mini-term. Probably the worst idea I ever had. It was a three week public relations case study analysis class. I had class every day from 9-12, then worked 12-6, then usually went to the library to work with my group from 6-10, and by the time I got home I would be exhausted and go straight to bed. So needless to say, the only people I had interaction with were my group members.

Even though mini-term was terrible, something did come out of it. I didn't have a place to live, or people to live with, and neither did one of my group members, so I will soon be a resident of the Woodlands with my group member Tabatha. I think this will be better than the situation I am in now because we don't really hang out with the same people, so we won't have to worry. Plus, we have a lot of similar views and habits, so it should be good. I think I am most excited that I will have my own bedroom AND bathroom!

What else happened?

Oh yes. The bad part of the month. I had some really heartbreaking issues this month. I had my heart broken by someone I thought cared about me, my friend Addison almost bit the dust, and my friend Austin was murdered. Not such a fun month.

Through getting my heart broken, I have learned that I cannot just give my heart to anyone. I have to make sure that the person is right for me. I get so tangled up in words, and I don't ever step back and think about the consequences. And boy were these big. I found out a lot of new information that made me thankful that I didn't get too involved with that person. I know that God has the perfect person out there for me, and I'm excited for Him to reveal that in His time, not mine. For now, I'm not going to worry about it.

Addison is one of my dearest friends from high school. I found out that he was in the hospital and was having a lot of issues. He had a lot of pain and some swelling. All very scary things. Since then, he is doing better. The doctors still have no idea what happened to him and probably never will, but I'm just glad he is doing better.

I was sitting in class one day and logged on to utsports.com, and the lead story was about Ramar Smith. All of this is normal, he used to play UT basketball before he got kicked off for drugs and grades. The reason there was a story on him was because he robbed a boy named Kinder at his apartment complex. Ramar turned himself in but was out on bail after an hour.

Thats Ramar up there. I don't really like him much right now, and here's why. The day after he robbery, a man was shot at the Woodlands apartment complex. I was reading the story in class, and the boys name was Charles Corn. I was very interested because I knew a boy named Charles Austin Corn, so I facebooked it, and sure enough, it was Austin. Austin and I went to high school together, and I was friends with his sister. He used to tease me when I was in middle school, but was always nice to me once I was older.

It's been rough ever since. He was in critical condition, and I thought he would be ok, but he died last Sunday. I know Austin made some bad decisions, but I pray that he knew what was right and that he was following the Lord. I know his family is in the utmost pain, so I would really appreciate if everyone would pray for him.

I also got to see my dad perform this month. I went to Cherokee, North Carolina which is pretty close to Knoxville. My friend Amanda went with me and we had a great time. It was a whole lot of fun, and my parents invited us to go to Dollywood with the bus driver's family on Memorial Day. So we went and had an amazing time. I couldn't ask for a better day in the park.

That's pretty much all the exciting events that have happened in May. I'm leaving Knoxville on Monday and going to Florida on Tuesday. I'll definitely blog more while I'm down there!

Peace out ya'll!