Moo Boo

Melissa Hope. A lot of you know my personal journey with this amazing little girl. When I moved to Haiti, I never expected to do many of the things I did. I went down with an eager heart to serve a people group to the best of my ability. I went to Haiti with a fear of caring for children, but God knew exactly what He was doing when He placed me in Haiti.

After doing volunteer work for a few weeks, Quisqueya Christian School offered me a full-time teaching position at their school. QCS is a unique school, in that it was originally meant to educate children of missionary families, but has turned in to a school where many Haitians want their to kids to learn. QCS offers a top-notch education in English, and I was honored to be on staff. I had never taught before, so the learning curve was steep. I was lucky to have such great support at the school to help me learn as I was teaching.

My main goal with my students was to invest in their lives and let them know I really care, while teaching them about the incredible authors and works of literature that I have loved. Leaving there was one of the hardest things I have ever done, and I think about my students daily.

If having a brand new job wasn’t enough of an adjustment in a foreign, third world country, Melissa came in to the picture. After Melissa was abandoned, I somehow opened my mouth to say that I would care for her. I thought caring for her meant a couple of days or weeks, and at the time, I didn’t realize that I would end up caring for her for 5 months and think of her as my child.

She was about 6 months old when she was abandoned, but was the size of a tiny newborn, suffering from a heart defect, Down’s syndrome, and malnutrition. In my short time with her, I learned more about myself than I could in any other situation.

I thought I was incapable of taking care of a child. The Lord made me capable. I was terrified to be her caregiver. The Lord calmed my fears. Many times I said, “I can’t do this! I’m 23!” The Lord matured me and reminded me that He was working through me. I didn’t know how to change a diaper, fix a bottle, or love a child. With the help of some friends and a lot of prayer, I learned all of those skills.

Melissa changed my life in a drastic way. I loved her with everything in me, and even though she couldn’t “love me back,” it was enough to know that she was changing my life. It was incredible to see her mimic some of the faces I would make to her. And who knew that I could talk to a baby! I sure didn’t.

When I moved into an apartment on campus, I was devastated to leave my Melissa Hope. In those few months, she became a child of mine, and I loved her as a mother loves a daughter. It basically ripped my heart knowing I wouldn’t see her as often. Little did I know I would only get five more minutes with her.

Jenny Chapman was in the process of adopting Melissa Hope. She had been doing everything in her power to get Melissa home, but kept hitting snags. When I left Haiti in May, all I could think about was getting to see Melissa more often once she was home with Jenny in Alabama. A short drive, and I would be reunited with this child that I loved. On September 5^th, I was on my way home from a canoe trip with my church. I checked my Facebook and I had a message from Jenny saying, “Call me ASAP.” In my head I was hoping she was going to tell me that Melissa was coming home, but in my heart, I knew that would not be the case.

The night before, we had a worship night, and I couldn’t stop crying. If you know me at all, you know that I NEVER cry. I think my tear ducts have dried up. I had no idea why water was flowing my eyes, but now I believe that God was preparing my heart for what I was about to hear.

I called Jenny, and from the moment she answered the phone, I knew something was wrong. She put it plainly and softly said, “Melissa died this afternoon.” My head started spinning and I started to cry uncontrollably. My heart felt like it was broken in half, and I couldn’t even breathe. I didn’t want to believe it. I wanted it to be false. Jenny explained to me what happened, but I didn’t comprehend it very well. As far as I knew, her oxygen level had dropped, and she passed away peacefully.

I don’t understand it. I’m not sure I even believe it as true. I keep thinking that I’ll get to go down to Alabama for her homecoming and spend more time with her. It’s so surreal, and the hardest death I’ve had to face thus far.

So where do I go from here? Some days I’m paralyzed by the fear that I have. I loved Melissa with my entire heart, and now she’s gone. As much as the pain is still there, I have to remember the amazing things that Melissa did in her short life.

She changed my life. She changed a lot of other people’s lives too. If her only purpose in her 18 months of life was to radically change my life, then I can rejoice in her death, because she definitely fulfilled that purpose. I’m not sure I knew what it meant to love until I loved that child.

I’m definitely one to say, “I love you!” to everyone that I know. I want people to know that I care about them, and I try to invest in others lives. Since knowing Melissa, that is even more true now.

As much as it sucks to know that I’ll never see her again, her story will live on for years. She was a very special little girl, and I have no doubt that hundreds of people will carry on her story. The Lord has blessed me with the opportunity of caring for her, and I am so thankful that He allowed me to do that. As much as I said, “I can’t do this!” He has proved faithful and will continue to help me every step of the way.

I Don't Like This One Bit

I've been avoiding blogging because I'm not quite ready to leave. After not being able to cry for the past two months, I have been a blubbering idiot these past few days.

Sunday, I said goodbye to my church family.



Today, I say goodbye to one of my closest friends, Heidi, and a couple of my students.




Tomorrow, I say goodbye to all of my students and another close friend, Katie.




Thursday, another friend, Jaime, leaves.



Saturday is graduation, where I'll see the seniors for the last time.

Algebra one sophomores!

10th Grade Boys

American Lit Juniors

10th Grade Girls

Sunday, I fly out.

I don't feel ready to go. My heart aches each time I have to say goodbye. Last week during class, we had a pretty relaxing week of review and just hanging out. I wrote every single one of my students a letter telling them how special they are to me and how much I will miss them. They all really appreciated it, but no one really said anything until I got to my Junior class.

One of the kids wanted me to go around and say one thing that I have loved about each student. That is so easy. I could do that all day long. After I finished going through the twelve of them, they started saying things to me. I was definitely not expecting it at all.

The things they said to me are marked in my heart forever. I have often wondering if I have even impacted one student while I've been here, and they definitely showed me that I did. God moved mountains in my life, and I'm so glad they were able to see Him moving in my life.

A lot of the boys in the class started out by apologizing for being so bad and rude. In the past few weeks, they were on a roll of bad behavior, so it was nice to hear them apologize. Many of them said they really respected me for leaving my comfortable life and coming here, even if it wasn't what my parents wished.

Cue watery eyes.

They were being so sentimental. There goal was to get me to cry, and I was trying to hold back. I didn't want them to see me break down, and I didn't want it to be goodbye. I held strong through four of five of their comments, but then one girl started. She is in my discipleship group, but has been fairly quiet throughout the year. She is a fantastic writer, but told me that she had quit writing because she didn't see it taking her anywhere. She told me that even though I never said keep it up, keep going, that she was motivated to continue writing because of me.

Cue more watery eyes.

She said that she saw Christ working in my life, and I didn't have to say keep going, and keep it up because she saw that I just up and left my parents and my life to come and work here. She said that I inspired her to keep working hard.

Cue tears flowing down my face.

I definitely didn't expect to hear that. It is incredible how God has moved this semester. He deserves every ounce of glory for the things that have happened this semester. All I have done is try to be obedient to His calling, and I'm glad that He is getting glory from this experience. I'm so sad to leave, but knowing that God has used my time here to glorify Him, I am pleased.

Even though I'm sad about leaving, I'm also really excited to go home and see my friends! These are just a few of them...

My new roomie!

Sweet Maci, and the rest of her family

College friends, Amanda and J
Work friend/BFF Jessie

John Mark!
Best friend, Kellye

The Tripod, of course

Hopefully a reunion will be in the works!

The other day, while I was avoiding grading, I made a list of some of the things I want to do this summer. Most of them are Nashville faves, but they are all things I want to do. I thought I would share with you so you can either reminiscence if you've done these things, put them on your wish list, or make fun of me for being absolutely ridiculous.

1. CMA Festival - I've got tickets to go and I'm so excited! Jaime and my other friend Amy are coming down for it.
2. Play in the fountains - one of my favorite past times.
3. Laser Quest
4. Mike's ice cream - birthday cake milkshake. Yes, please.
5. Margaritaville - they have some dang good nachos.
6. Wildhorse - a little country line dancin'
7. Play at Centennial - preferably the game, signs.
8. Go fishing
9. Go swimming - hopefully lots
10. Eat s'mores
11. Cook a meal for friends
12. Read a book - hopefully lots more than just one.
13. Donate clothes
14. Make a budget - it's time to be a big girl
15. Learn to ride a bike - I still don't know how
16. Have an "around the world" party - I'm big into cultural food. I'll bring the rice and beans!
17. Have a picnic
18. Pancake Pantry - one of my Nashville favorites
19. Eat a popsicle at Las Paletas
20. Gigi's Cupcakes
21. Arrignton Vineyard - a wine tasting could be fun and sophisticated
22. Shoot off fireworks
23. Eat at mellow mushroom
24. Volunteer somewhere
25. Smokies Game!

I know there is a ton more that I want to do, I just haven't been able to put it on paper yet. I'm hoping for one incredible summer, but I never want to forget the things I have learned and experienced here in Haiti. The goodbyes are sad, but God has truly blessed every ounce of my time here.

If you see me in the airport crying, don't be alarmed, I just miss my home.

One Haiti Dilemma

"Give me one dollar!" "Give me!" Whenever we walk down the street to our favorite little grocery store or the "faster food" restaurant close to us, these phrases ring out in the streets. Those two, along with my personal favorite, "blan!" (Blan means "white" in Creole) My first reaction is to scoop up these small kids and empty my pockets and do anything I can to give them something. What I didn't realize was that in my compassion, I could really be hurting them further. "But how can giving a small kid some money hurt him?" I asked the same thing. My friend Ben found this awesome article on Haitian trafficking that really sent a shock of reality through my bones. There had been talk around campus about these little beggars, and one individual stated that "bigger boys" often take the money from the boys and physically abuse them. It is a way of trafficking that absolutely disgusts me. To think that these little boys, that are just hungry and want some food, are forced to ask for money so that the bigger boys can take it from them makes my heart break. So what can I do? Our friend circle had a conversation and the solution is not simple. If you give them money, they bigger boys will take it and abuse them. If you don't give them money, the bigger boys will abuse them for not having anything. We talked about buying them food and drinks whenever we can. That seems like the best solution, but the trafficking needs to be stopped. Only God has the perfect solution, but it still breaks my heart to know that these kids live a live of tragedy.

Every time I leave the walls of the compound where I live and teach, I can only pray that God would heal them. I may not be able to change the world, but my God can.

I hope you'll read the article. I found it super interesting.

Kidnapped

Imagine being at your comfy home, where you thought no harm could ever come to you. All of the sudden, someone bursts in, robs you, and takes you, all while pointing a gun at you.

Now imagine being a husband, a wife, a child, or a friend of that person. My heart is absolutely broken and torn in half right now.

While I was doing my morning routing at school, a middle schooler came up to me and said, "Kristina, (name removed for safety) was kidnapped last night."

My heart sank.

No other information, just that she was taken.

I met her when I came down for a week long trip in October of 2009. She treated me like I was her own and spoke truth into my life. She is a pastor's wife at a church where I've visited several times.

I taught English to Haitians under her, and she guided me when I realized I had no idea what I was doing.

She gives the best hugs, and always wants to know how I am doing, whether I see her for 5 minutes or 5 hours. She has been like a Haitian mom to me, and one of the downsides of moving to campus is that I no longer get to see her very often.

But now she has been taken. Ripped from her home and taken to a place where we don't know.

My head is scattered. My heart is burning.

I have not once felt unsafe in this country. Tonight, that changes a bit. I never fear that I will be kidnapped. It is extremely rare for an American to be kidnapped, but I never once thought that someone I know, a personal friend, would ever be in danger. Several of my students have had relatives kidnapped, or friends, but her?

All day I tried to push out the thoughts of discouragement and sadness and make it through my seven classes, while continuing to pray for her constantly.

I keep asking God why. Why her? Why now? Will you keep her safe? Will you bring her home? In the midst of all my questions, I only know one thing. I know God is faithful. I know that His will is way bigger than mine, and whatever he does with this situation, He will get glory from it. I won't stop praying for her, for her family, and for all those that she has affected, and I'm asking you to do the same.

I know that God will get glory from this situation, but right now, the vision is foggy. I have faith in my God and trust His decisions WAY over mine.

Please, please, please join me in prayer for this precious woman that I love so so dearly.

This is my complaining blog

Today I am sick. Yesterday I was sick. The day before that, you guessed it.. I was sick. I have had a fever for three days. It's really strange being in 90 degree weather, yet feeling like a Popsicle.

Yesterday at school was one of those days when I really didn't feel like teaching. I just wanted to lay my head down and cry because I felt so terrible. I was feverish, had a really bad headache, and my tummy was even hurting. Along with a deep dough, I felt awful. Luckily at school, it was in class worksheet day. I simply gave them the worksheet, then if they had questions, they could come and ask me. It was a rough teaching day.

When I got home I immediately went to bed. I put in a movie and slept off and on until 7 this morning. My fever has gone down, but I still feel as if I was hit by a bus. My whole body aches. Every part of me wishes someone was here to take care of me. To make me food and care for me. That part of growing up stinks.

Mix feeling bad with a couple of rambunctious kids and you have what I have right now. A monstrous fever, while trying to keep tabs on a 4 year old that doesn't speak English.

Plus I look like this..

Thanks for reading my complaints. Hopefully, tomorrow will be a much better day.

>KB

Google Translate is Saving My Life

My head and my heart are so full right now. Pardon me if this post is a bit all over the place, but I really need to express what is going on right now.

I know Haiti is hard. My last four months here helped me learn that, but now I feel as if I am in a place that I can't even begin to explain. But I want to try. I know that when I make it through this, God is going to get so much glory.

Things in Haiti started off perfectly. I got back to school and started to teach. I came in feeling way more confident than I did last semester. The kids were more attentive, and really seemed excited about starting the semester. I found out that I wouldn't get to move to campus for at least a week, but I was excited about that opportunity and I began preparing myself for when I was to move in.

Things were going just how I liked them. Easy. But easy is not how God has intended me to live. God likes to throw wrenches in my path. Wrench #1: Melissa Hope. Wrench #2: a full-time teaching job.

I guess I was delusional, but I thought that God would make this time around 10x easier. But I know that with hard times, God is going to get more glory that what I can even imagine. I am praising Him for putting me here and for giving me the opportunity to serve so many kids.

So that's where I come to now. This is going to be an emotional week because today is the 1 year anniversary of the January 12th earthquake. Many of my students lost parents, loved ones, and all their belongings. We had a memorial service at school yesterday where many students were weeping over lost friends, neighbors, and family members. I can't imagine what these kids have seen and heard. I remember hearing on the news about the country that stole my heart. Living here has given me a new perspective on a lot of things, including loss. My heart is so heavy for the Haitian people.

My heart is heavy for my family. My great uncle, Doyle, passed away on Sunday morning. If you have known me for any amount of time, you know that death is no friend of mine. I can't even explain how much death I have encountered in my life, and it has made any death encounter so much harder for me. I really miss uncle Doyle. I remember so much about him from when I was younger. The main thing I keep remembering is what he said to me over Christmas break. I begged and begged my parents for us to find just a few minutes to go see him. He had congestive heart failure and has been sick for a long time, so I wanted to take every chance I got to see him and tell him I love him. I didn't expect what he said to me. He looked at me and said that he had his wife read him my blog and he was proud of me and loved hearing about what I was doing. He said he knew God was working in the lives of many. What a great encouragement! I never would have thought that he would've read my blog. My heart was so full and I was so excited that I he said those things to me.


The day after I got back in Haiti, I received word that he wasn't doing too well. A few days after that my mom prepared me by saying that this may be it. Hospice had moved into his house and they weren't expecting him to live much longer. I prayed and prayed and prayed, but my prayers were different than most times. I was praying for God's will. I didn't pray that he would be spared, I didn't pray that he would live a much longer life. I simply prayed that whatever would bring God the most glory would be done. As much as I wanted him to live, I knew that God was in the center of it and that if he left, he would be in Heaven with our father.

As much as I prayed that, when Sunday morning came around and I found out he passed, my heart was broken. I wanted to be with family. I wanted to hug my aunts and uncles and especially my grandmother. I wept, I cried, I called my mom, but after all my tears were drained, I simply had to say, It is well with my soul. There has been something comforting about being here while this is happening. I feel like God is truly in my presence and I am trusting him to get me through these difficult times.

The Haitian government is in a state of turmoil. The election process is one that I cannot even understand. There is so much hear-say in Haiti that it is hard to tell what is real and what is not. There have been a lot of reports saying things are about to get bad again, but I really have no clue. All I know is that God is in control. My heart is heavy for the Haitian government.

Imagine this: a small, 2 year old boy. Head misshapen from being beat into a wall. Scars all over his body from being hit with different objects. Memories of scrubbing the bathroom floor since he was able to crawl. A fearful face at all times. You've just imagined Junior. Junior is now 4 years old. He has been in an orphanage since he was 3 after being severely beaten my his aunt and other family members. No one knows where the scars came from, or the extent of his abuse. The orphanage he was staying at was an all boys orphanage, and he was the youngest there. There were many older boys staying at the orphanage, and no one really knows how he was treated there. This orphanage is going through a process of trying to get some of the older boys out, and it is possible that the entire operation might be shut down. A lady close to the orphanage and very close to Junior asked us if we would take him in so that he would not be sent back to his aunt. So Saturday evening, we went and picked him up. He speaks absolutely no English and tends to have a hitting problem. This is where google translate is saving my life. He was terrified when he got back to our house. The best place for him to be was in my room on the futon so he could stretch out but still be near someone. After he went to bed I started studying Creole phrases that might come in handy with a four year old. My Creole is now so much better than it was even one week ago. I am starting to communicate better with him and we are doing much better. It's amazing to watch him sleep so peacefully and play so much. It makes me wonder what is going through his brain. He went from being abused to being treated like a prince. I'm so blessed to be a part of this and watch him grow. I'm not a fan of getting up 4 times through the night to take him to the bathroom, but I wouldn't trade it for anything right now. It almost makes me cry when he comes up to me and says "I love you, Kristina." That's the only English phrase he knows and I love hearing it.

Going home - the place I no longer belong

I apologize that I haven't blogged since before I left for break. Things were so crazy that week before I went to the States, and once in the States, I was go go go until the day I flew out.

Going home was a bit weird. The minute I flew into Miami, I knew that my heart was not with me any more. I had been warned by so many friends that it might be strange coming back to America after living in a third world country for so long. The injustice is great, and life is so incredibly different. They were right. I felt so wrong being in America. I felt bad that I left the life I had been living and was not amidst a group of people that didn't really care and couldn't understand what I was going through.

I was so excited to see my friends, and the reunion that we had was so great. They understood more of what I was going through than most, but I still felt myself being down. I wanted to come back. I craved teaching. I longed for the Haitian people.

But I made the most of my time at home. The day after I flew in I met with my best friend and her husband for lunch, then made the long trek to Houston, Missouri to visit family. It was a great weekend with family, but all I could think about was what I had seen in Haiti. I didn't have much to talk about unless someone asked me about Haiti. I've never been one to not have much to say, but I found myself at a loss for words. I wanted to explain everything God was doing, and how awesome my time was, and how I struggled hard, but was pulled through by God's grace... but I didn't get that chance. I was still processing my head and my heart, and silence became a good friend of mine.

I got to see old friends, slightly newer friends, and everyone I could pack in to two weeks. I have never felt so encouraged and loved that I do right now.

A few of my favorite visits..

Of course seeing my two best guy friends, the Adams (the tripod), was awesome. They came to the airport with a big sign and flowers. We had so many fun times of eating and playing Wii. They are so awesome, and I can't wait to spend more time with them!

I got to visit with an old friend named Stephen's mom. She has been in my life for so many years and has loved me through it all. She was such a huge encouragement to me and really blessed me with her words. Her youngest son Michael is a little brother to me, so to sit and talk with the family really encouraged me.

I went to Knoxville to see a Vol's basketball game and I saw so many old friends! It was so wonderful to feel like a college student again and be able to sit court side and watch my team! They lost, but it was still wonderful to be in that atmosphere once again.

As much fun as I had with those friends, it doesn't take away the fact that my heart is in this country. I was so ready to be back here and get back to my ministry here with these kids that I love so dearly. I have twice as many students as I did in the fall, so I'm excited about making relationships and getting to know these students.

Thank you so much for your prayers and constant support. They mean more than you know.

>K

4 Months Later

You would think that will all this free time I have had for the past six days, I would blog more. I guess it is a mix of laziness and not having anything to say. I have sat silently for days in a row trying to figure out what is happening in this country that I love so much.

Even now as I sit here typing, I have no idea what to say. Four months ago, I came to Haiti to start a journey. A journey of growth, a journey of adventure, a journey to find the Lord and serve Him better. I got more growth, adventure, and service than I bargained for. I really didn't know what to expect coming here, but what I got was different than anything I could have ever imagined.

It started out with a bang. We went to the orphanage, the clinic, and even did a mobile clinic. I fell in love with 2 kids at the orphanage, and really enjoyed helping in medicine. The next 2 weeks that went by were slow, and I wasn't sure that what I was doing here was productive. I now see that God was preparing me for the adventure that He was about to take me on. He wanted me to be still and read His word, pray, and spend genuine time with Him before I jumped into the deep end of what the last four months have been about.

First came the job. Never in a million years would I have thought that I, Kristina Birkhead, would be 1) a teacher or 2) an English teacher. God has really blessed me in this job. I have seen so many awesome people and have had some of the best conversations I could ever dream of. One in particular that I want to tell you about is a Junior boy. This kid is loud and obnoxious. When I first met him, I was afraid to have him in my class. I really wasn't sure how I was going to control his loud self and get things done. He is one of the "popular" kids at school, and he comes from a wealthy family. I automatically placed a stereotype on him and thought that he probably couldn't care less about the gospel, but I want to be Christ to him. I want him to see God's love, because he can change a lot of lives. In class one day we were talking about the Cholera epidemic. He said, in front of everyone, that he didn't want to go on the streets or talk to anyone on the streets because they could have Cholera and he didn't want to catch it. I talked to him after class that day and asked him how we were to share God's love if we weren't willing to meet them where they were, Cholera and all. He kind of brushed me off, so I didn't really pursue any more talks with him until I thought maybe he would be more responsive. A week later, we had Current Event Friday, where the students bring in a current news article and share with the class. He decided to share on Cholera, and his attitude had totally changed. He was asking everyone to support him by wanting to reach out to those in need, and getting hydration packs together. He truly is a leader in his class, and I could see the students warming up to what he was saying. I was shocked and surprised and knew that God was really working on his heart.

Later in the semester, we were in our "study hall". This class is 3 students and me. One of the students was absent this particular day so it was the two students and myself. He started asking me questions on what I believed and what was important to me, and he really opened up and told me how important his faith was to him. He began to share how his parents really supported him in his faith and he began to tell me how God was working in his life. I asked him why he never shared with his classmates and he simply said that "they don't want to hear it." My heart broke. I began to share that it only takes one person to spark something in someone's life. I remember at my high school that it took one football player standing up in chapel to change my entire grade. I have seen a difference in him. He has been nicer to others around him and more vocal about what he truly believes. I think he is scared to lose his popularity, but he is starting to see that there is more to life than popularity. I have started tutoring him in algebra and so I am really getting the chance to invest in his life and hopefully others around him will see something incredible about his life. He really can change this school, and I know that God is going to use him in a mighty mighty way.

Another cool thing that has happened while working at the school is my discipleship group. I was randomly assigned six girls: Maika, Lorena, Claudia, Taressa, Alexandra, and Celine. I knew three of these girls before the group started, but I was excited to see a different side of them. We started looking at the book Crazy Love, by Francis Chan, but most of the time we spent a lot of time praying and listening to songs. Worship songs have been a huge part of my life, and I really wanted these girls to experience a little bit of that. One of the first things I was faced with in this group was "why does God punish Haiti so much? How much more can Haiti take?" Wow. I was speechless. I began to tell them that God has a reason for EVERYTHING, but often we don't see the reason until much later. We have to trust that God knows what He is doing, and we have to be patient for His timing. Two of them are headed to college next year, and they are both terrified. Two of them are Juniors, trying to find the balance of fitting in and sticking out. The last two are Sophomores, both dealing with forgiveness issues. Each girl is so unique and has been such a blessing. I pray for them daily, and I know that God can do amazing things with these girls lives, as battered and torn and crazy as they think they may be.

Lots of other cool things have happened at this school, and I am ecstatic to be coming back for the Spring semester. I am also going to be teaching more. I am teaching two sections of Grade 10 English literature, my same section of American Literature, a creative writing class, and a random Algebra 1 class. I'm really excited to see what God is going to do with the new relationships I will be forming.

The next big wrench that God threw at me was a little baby girl named Melissa Hope. This baby has changed my life forever. I will not lie, taking care of her might be the hardest thing I have ever done. I became a mom and a working mom all within two weeks. You can read back at my previous posts for more about the beginning of our story. Never in a trillion years would I have thought I would become a "mommy" at age 22. And to think, when I came down here, I really didn't like babies! There have been several "I can't do this anymore, I'm not equipped to be a mom!" moments, but I was quickly reminded that God didn't bring me this baby girl without knowing I could do it. I am happy to report to you that she is now 5 pounds heavier, and smiles constantly. God has really worked through this little girl's life, and I know that she is going to change so many lives. When I look at her, I can see Christ's love. When I look at what we've been through together, I'm reminded of God's grace. When I think I can't do it anymore he softly whispers in my ear, "Oh, beloved, you can do it. I am still here with you. Press on. Don't give up. I won't fail you. You CAN do it. I have equipped you with everything you need. Show her MY love." Wow. Ok, God. I was once again shown how little faith I have in HIM to get me through the tough times in life. He is always in control and won't forsake me or leave me, even when I'm caught up in the craziness of life.

Then cholera. Oh the cholera. I heard the other day that it will take 6 years to eradicate cholera from this country. So many have died, so many are sick, and hardly any are reported. The last thing this country needed was a disease strain. We have not been directly affected by it, but it is only supposed to get worse. I have resumed my "germ freak-ness" and we are prepared with hydration packs to serve those who are affected by the sickness.

And now elections. I don't even know what to say about these elections. I have never seen images so crazy. To think that the places I travel every single day are now destroyed by fire and broken glass. My mind is blown and I can't help but think why?! Why are these people doing this? Why is God allowing this country to go to shambles? There is my "little faith" again. He knows exactly what He is doing and He is going to get glory from all of this. I can't help but to be a little scared. We are safe on our hill, but we can't go down from the hill. Flights have been cancelled, lives destroyed, and I'm complaining about being bored. This country needs a leader who can turn this place around. I honestly can't tell you what is going to happen here in Haiti. Things were pretty calm today, but that means nothing for tomorrow. The people are angry in this country. They want justice. They want their voices to be heard. Is burning tires and tearing down signs going to bring that... no. So who knows what will happen to this country. All I can do is pray. I'm seeking God for comfort and for peace, because honestly, I'm scared for the Haitian people. My brain is on overload from the messages we have gotten. I'm trying to digest what is happening, and praying that God takes this and gets so much glory from it. I wish I had better news, and hopefully I will tomorrow.

Please pray for this country, and selfishly, pray that I get out on Wednesday. Airports are supposed to open on Tuesday, but we really don't know what the weekend has in store for us. I hope to blog again tomorrow saying that everything is normal and we can finally leave the mountaintop. I'm ready to be back in the valley.

Until next time...

Kristina

Haiti Happenings

Late last night, the CEP (electoral board) announced the results of the election that took place last week. And the winners are...

Madame Manigat - 33%
Jude Celestin - 22.8%
Michel Martelley - 21.4%

If you don't remember these peeps, you can look back at my previous post about the elections.

So basically, they announced these results and everyone got extremely mad. A lot of people thought Martelley should at least be in the top two, if one the out right winner. Automatically riots broke out in the streets of Haiti.

I've heard that Martelley and Manigat are asking for a re-count of the votes. Martelley has said that he will not be in a run-off with Jude Celestin, so he is hoping that the re-count will show that he and Manigat are the top two.

Tires are burning, guns are being fired, people are peeing on posters. This is Haiti.

They have cancelled school for the rest of the week and American Airlines has cancelled all flights until at least Sunday.

It's crazy around here, but we are staying safe. We are up on a hill and staying in the house. I'll keep posting as we hear things, and hopefully I can post pictures soon!

Until then...

He never lets go.

This blog was written yesterday during the "hurricane."

“Oh no, you never let go, through the calm, and through the storm.”

These words are resounding in my head today. Not only does is take a literal meaning for me today, but also an emotional one. As many of you know, Tropical Storm Tomas has now turned into a hurricane and is heading our way. The rain started yesterday around 4 pm, and hasn’t really taken a break. I woke up this morning at the sky was covered with clouds, and the rain was still coming down.

I don’t know what is going to happen during this hurricane, but I do know one thing. God is completely in control of this storm. I have already seen his faithfulness because He has already pushed the storm away from us. The eye will no longer cover us, but we will still get the rain. I am so thankful that He knows exactly what He’s doing, and He is protecting us from MAJOR devastation.

That does not mean that we are not in danger, though. Not so much me, but the citizens of this country are in grave danger. A lot of rain causes mudslides and causes disease to spread. A lot of rain also ruins tents, which over one million people are still living in.

But HE never lets go. HE is here through the calm days, and HE is here on these stormy days. I can’t tell you why this hurricane is coming to an already devastated country, but I can tell you that so many people are being brought to Jesus. So many people have been brought to their knees to pray for this country. Jesus is in control, and will bring Himself glory in all of this.

I’m trusting Him completely to do what He wills in this situation, and I will follow Him faithfully.

Several weeks ago, I was teaching English class when a 16-year-old boy named Rodney came in. He some semi-good English and we had several conversations just about him and everything in his life.

I knew of Rodney before I actually met him. Rodney was flown to the states about a year ago to UT Hospital to have some work done on his heart. He had some form of heart murmur, but I’m not totally sure what kind. He had the first surgery successfully, and was scheduled to have at least 3 more.

A couple of weeks ago, we got a call saying that Rodney was having extreme chest pains. We got him into the Dominican Republic so that a doctor could look at him and see if he could have surgery. When he left, he told our pastor, “I don’t think I’ll be coming back home.”

In my heart, I thought that he would for sure be coming back. I thought they would quickly get him a surgery, and he would come back and I would see him again. As the days progressed, the news got worse and worse. The doctors looked at him and basically said he was too far-gone for surgery, and if they cut him open he would die.

So basically, we were now just waiting. Waiting to see if he would pull through, or go home to our Heavenly Father. Chris, a guy that we work with who took care of Rodney while he was in the states, and Pastor Jude, Rodney’s pastor, got to the Dominican as soon as they could. When they got there, Rodney perked up, and he was so happy to see Chris and Pastor Jude. They were laughing and cutting up. Rodney was at a hotel at this point, and he got up to walk out of the door to go for a little walk.

He collapsed in the doorway and died on the way to the hospital. When Michelle told me this, I had this overwhelming sense of sadness. But then a light bulb went off in my head. Rodney isn’t hurting anymore. He is in heaven, and that is SO much better than being on this Earth.

You see, Rodney was just a street kid, taken in by a loving woman who shared the gospel with him. Rodney was a believer, and because one woman decided she would be responsible for him, He got to know our heavenly Father, and he is now in heaven praising His name forever.

As much as we will all miss Rodney, I know he is so thankful to be praising our God.

“Oh no, you NEVER let go, through the calm, and through the storm.”

Latest Musings

Sweet smiling girl.

Where have I been you ask? Behind a desk. I know, I know. That is NO excuse for not blogging. I feel so bad because so much has happened, but I have been so busy grading papers, and making tests, that I have been so cruel to my lovely readers. But I’m back! And not only do I have a blog for you, but also PICTURES!! Now, who doesn’t love a good picture?

So last time I blogged was about Melissa Hope. I am excited to tell you that she is still a huge part of my life and I spend every single day with her. It pains me to spend time at school because I’m not with her. I’m pretty sure it’s true love between us. She has finally gotten most of her paperwork done (passport and visa) and should be heading to the Dominican Republic in about 2 weeks to undergo heart surgery. Once she is recovered, then she should start to grow like a weed!

It is so challenging to be her mom right now. I have so much going on that sometimes I wonder if I’m capable of taking care of this small child. It is so neat to see her pick up on the things that I do. She puckers her lips and makes kissy faces, and she now clasps her hands. She is growing so much and I’m privileged to be in her life. But that doesn’t make it easy. Many days I feel like I’m not doing a good job, or that I shouldn’t be in charge of a life, but God has a reason, and I’m clinging to that. It is also comforting to know that once my time is up with her, she is going to a GREAT home. I have met the people that are adopting her, and Melissa will have the best life she could ever dream of. Will it be hard to let go of her, yes, but I’m comforted to know that she will be in GREAT hands and I will have nothing to worry about for her well being.

My beautiful home!

Everyone does keep asking me if I am adopting her. I would like to say yes. Every ounce of me would love to have this baby forever and watch her grow mentally and physically. There are a couple of things that deter me from doing that. One is that Haitian law states that you must be 35 and married for at least 10 years in order to adopt from this country. So legally, it would never be possible. I do know a couple that is thinking about having their parents adopt a child then signing over the papers. So it is possible. But that brings me to my next point. I’m 22 and single. There is no way that I could support a baby. Melissa would not have the life that she deserves, and I know that. Plus, she is going to a great home, so I have no worries when it comes to her. She will always be a part of me, and I of her. So no, I am not adopting her, but she is one of the best things that has ever happened to me. Ever.

So, now I want to tell you all about school! Today I am actually at a parent teacher conference. I have to be here for six hours, and I basically just wait for the parents to come see me. I have three unsatisfactory behavior grades, and that is no fun, but they are going pretty well so far.

The sun!! It's so bright!

In the morning I aid 5^th grade. They are so much fun! Apparently, they have some behavior issues at recess, but their teacher, Tiffany Nash, really has them under control! They respect her and really like her, and she is a wonderful teacher to get to observe everyday and learn from. The students have been reading James and the Giant Peach. I have never read that book, but I am getting to listen to them discuss the book, and it is so interesting. They really enjoy reading and have been really responsive to the things they have to do for their discussion groups. I have also been grading a lot of their papers, and occasionally help a child read or do some math. They are such a fun class, and I have really enjoyed being a part of their lives.

Also in the morning, I aid 6^th grade. This grade is an interesting grade. They seem to have a lot more behavior issues than the 5^th grade. Their teacher, Kristie Mattenley, is awesome and really gives the kids a chance express themselves through many different avenues. They really struggle with dirty jokes and cursing more than anything. I was really shocked to hear some of the things that come out of their mouths. Kristie is definitely handling it well. Usually in that class I help with Science, Social Studies, and drama. They are sweet kids and really like to learn.

Then, I teach 11^th grade American Literature. I never in my life thought I would ever teach American Literature. Mr. Chopson (my literature teacher in high school) would be so proud of me! This class is a first year teacher’s DREAM! They participate, they all have A’s and B’s, and they are so much fun to teach. Right now we are reading To Kill A Mockingbird, which is one of my absolute favorite books of all time!

I then aid some more, and eat lunch, and aid some more. Haha! My schedule is so undefined!

Last period I teach grade 10 English. The focus of that class is mostly to develop writing skills and read novels. Currently, we are reading Pride and Prejudice, which is another one of my favorite books. This class is extremely hard to teach. They are often loud and rambunctious, and it is really hard to get anything done. Behavior grades just went out, so hopefully they will realize that their behavior is unacceptable and they will do better.

My favorite picture of us at the beach.

Teaching is a lot of fun, but also a lot of work! I have decided though, that this is something I could do for the rest of my life. Something I WANT to do for the rest of my life. I enjoy planning my lessons and helping kids understand something they think is impossible. I definitely want to go to grad school and get my Master’s in English so that I can teach English at the high school level.

What's up homie?!

So yeah, that’s school. Here are some other things that have happened. I’m just doing bullet points because I’m too lazy to type out full paragraphs J

I saw my first dead person. Morbid, I know. But that saddest part of that is when we drove past, the police officers that were “on the case” were standing nearby getting their shoes shined. It made me so mad.

I also was almost involved in another Haitian wreck. I was in one on my birthday, but this one was much worse. The guy passed us and his throttle got stuck and he cut us off and smacked into a wall. We were lucky to not hit him.

I got to drive! Michelle taught me how to drive a stick and I got to drive for a few minutes. I’m really terrible at it.

I got to watch the UT-Alabama and the Titans-Eagles games this week. Oh, how I’ve missed football.

The school is starting discipleship groups this week, and I will have 5-10 girls in my group and we will get to do a book study or something. I’m still praying about it.

We went to the beach the other day. It was so fun and relaxing. Melissa quite enjoyed the water. There are pictures scattered throughout this blog.

Things have been going pretty well. There are always going to be bad days. I have had my share of them, but overall, my time in Haiti is well worth the craziness. I feel like I’m impacting the people and that is one of the best feelings ever. I miss my family and my friends like CRAZY, but I know it is only seven and a half weeks until I’m reunited with the ones I love.

Thank you for your prayers, and I hope you are being blessed daily just as I am. I love all of you!

>k

Rambling's from a late night.

It's after midnight, which means I get super crazy and start thinking like crazy, so I decided to write some of my thoughts down, and let you guys in on what is going on in my head..

My heart is so full right now. Full of love, full of questions, full of concerns. For some reason, the past few days have put me in such a horrible mood. I have no clue what is causing it, or why it won't go away, but it is starting to get on my nerves. I honestly can't pinpoint exactly what is going on with me, so if I've been rude, awkward, or weird towards you lately, my deepest apologies.

I have all these plans for my life, and I'm really excited about them, but it is starting to stress me out. I have got to stop listening to the demands of the world and start being obedient to the Lord. I've tried so hard to please everyone around me, and not that it's a bad thing, but ultimately, the Lord's plans for my life are the only ones that matter.

I was reading through my earlier posts today, and remembered the wisdom that I once wrote to myself. I've been super guarded since January in many different aspects of life, but especially in letting people in my life. I have a few best friends, but besides them, it is hard for me to totally open up and let new people in my life. I've been totally tested in this lately because after camp, I started hanging out with all sorts of different people that I never had hung out with before. I know the Lord will use these friendships for good, but I still find myself being super guarded because I don't want to get hurt. So many of my friendships have changed, and I know that I need to let go and start trusting people again so that I am more open in my friendships.

Hopefully this foul mood will finally pass and my friends won't think I'm a complete psycho.

No Matter Where I am, Healing is in YOUR hands!

I have been super struggling lately. My heart is broken into pieces and it's starting to take a toll on me. My heartbreak, I don't mean the kind where your boyfriend just broke up with you after 3 months and your heart is broken because you "loved" him. It's not like that. I feel like the people I trusted for the most of my senior year in college, I can't trust anymore. It hurts so much to know that the people I have relied on for so many months have now been ripped from my grasp.

The only thing that makes it a little easier is knowing that I probably shouldn't have given my complete trust to those people anyway. Some of you probably don't know this, but I trust entirely too easy. I don't necessarily think it is a bad thing, but it definitely can be. It is now biting me in the butt. I'm a very open person and I think that's why I trust everyone. I have my guard up so high right now, that I'm not sure anyone will be able to break it down. Old wounds and new ones are gushing and it's really just making me feel awful. I don't know if I'm supposed to shut down emotionally and let know one in, or just pretend like nothing has ever happened.

Spring break was a week that I needed. My body needed to rest, and I did A LOT of that. I went to bed every night at 10:30 and woke up at 7. But I messed up. Big time. The very first day I forgot who I was and what my values were and completely let go of what I knew was right. I'm not proud, but I've moved on. I felt an overwhelming sense of guilt after it happened and from that day on I didn't want to do anything else except sleep and try to forget it ever happened. The only thing that made me realize that I would make it through is the fact that the Lord forgives. Knowing this, I should have been able to forgive myself, but it wasn't until the end of Spring Break when I finally realized I could forgive myself too.

But just because I forgave myself doesn't mean I will ever forget what happened. I feel as if I grew so much after it, and remembered that the Lord is the only important thing in my life. I often forget that the Lord is ALL I need, and this reminder came at such a good time.

With a broken heart, it is hard to see God's will for my life. I know he is going to put me through trials before he prepares me for a bigger adventure. When I blogged on relationships I was in a spot in my life when I was ok with being single. Most days, I still feel that way. But I can't help but wonder if I will ever get married. I desire that so much, but I won't settle for anything less that what I deserve. My friend Sarah Beck always tells me to never settle and to make sure that my husband is my best friend and someone that will treat me better than what I even think. That being said, it's clear to see that I have HIGH expectations.

Last year I got my heart ripped in half. Of course, it was by a boy I knew that I should not be involved with, but nevertheless, it killed me inside. This boy was one of my best friends, but we weren't based on the right thing. We were attracted to each other, and liked the idea of each other, but our spiritual lives were only brought up a few times. Of course, I fell for this boy, and he told me the same and that he wanted a future with me, then disappeared. I trusted this boy with information that I don't tell anyone. Ever. But I thought he was trustworthy and if our relationship was going to move forward, he needed to know some things about me. I've since healed from this heartbreak most days, but sometimes my heart breaks again thinking of how great a friend a lost.

Recently, the same thing happened again. I thought that I had completely healed from the first boy, the this one re-opened every would that I had and cut them even deeper. This time it was different. I didn't know of the feelings this boy had for me, and he was one of my best guy friends. I ended up losing my best friend. It wasn't fun. I understood his reasoning for backing away from me, but it didn't make it hurt any less.

Now I'm in such a difficult position. I don't feel as if I can trust anyone anymore. I have so much going on in my life, especially with my future, and I don't trust anyone to completely open up about it. This is a hard spot to be in.

But rest assured, I have found some peace. The Lord has been SO GOOD to me lately. I'm reminded over and over through His Word how sovereign He is. I'm never alone. I can ALWAYS trust Him. He can rescue me from the feelings I've been having lately and can cure my broken heart. I'm not saying it will be easy to heal my heart, but if anyone can do it, the LORD can. I can't wait to see what He is going to do in my life. Now if I can only make it through 6 more weeks of school....

>K

Blahhhh

So this has been a super rough couple of weeks. I'm finally at my breaking point where I need to just go sleep for a few days and then I'll be ok, but of course, with my hectic schedule, that will not happen.

Last week, my situation analysis was do in my very last PR class. It was pretty much a 7 page analysis of a company that I had never heard of. No outline, no instruction. Just had to do it. Hopefully, I did ok and got a good grade. It's hard to focus on what "real life PR" looks like, because all I really want to do is move the the Philippines.

Also, one of my very good friends, Emmanuel, collapsed and his heart stopped last week. Those of you that know me, know that I value my relationships and don't deal well with my friends being hurt or sick, so of course that has been on my mind. He is going to be ok, thank the Lord. I've only gotten to see him twice since it happened, and his spirits have seemed low, but I am thanking the Lord that he is even alive!

This is Emmanuel after the library rave last semester.

This week has been soooooo stressful. I have had 3 tests and 1 quiz, all by Wednesday! I don't know what is wrong with me because I usually have anxiety and don't sleep before a big test, but lately all I have been doing is sleeping! My body is shutting down and I'm exhausted, but I took the last test today, so I am done for the week.

BUT! I found out today that I have ANOTHER test Monday! Geez. I don't think it ever ends. I'm just too excited for fall break!

It's seven more days until I am on a plane and off to Haiti, and I CANNOT wait! I talked to my mom yesterday and she said that she is going to come up on Monday to help me pack and wish me a good trip before I actually leave. I know that missions is something I will be doing for a long long time, and I'm excited to get a little taste of it for fall break!

I'm also teaching tonight at Church of the Cove, which I am super excited about. I am going to be talking about relationships and why it is important to have uplifting people in your life, and to rid the bad in your life. Hopefully the Lord will use me.

We play Georgia this weekend, which I'm super pumped about! I'll be adding pictures from previous games as soon as I find that pesky little camera cord :)

Florida Florida!

So.. What am I doing in Florida? Everyone keeps asking me why I decided to spend the summer pretty much in Florida. So I'm going to answer the burning question.

Ok, so this year was filled with ups and downs in every area of my life. Stress, heartbreak, craziness... you name it and it probably happened to me. So, for the summer I really just needed to get away from the city and the people that constituted most of my unhappiness. So while doing that, I also decided to get a tan! I like to call it mind rehab.

As the year went on, my emotions went really haywire with almost losing two special people in my life, to actually losing someone, to getting my heart broken over and over again. It was just really important for me to refocus my self and remember what is important: my faith, family and friends.

I realized that I made a lot of poor decisions, mostly because of pressure or anxiety and basically not doing what I know is right. That's also probably why I got my heart broken a whole lot. I trusted everyone, which is very unusual for me, and that led to heartbreak.

But I'm now doing better. I have had time to refocus and concentrate myself and get away from the stress and the problems that I face. I know that once I am completely refocused, I will be able to combat the pressure and the stress and be able to focus myself and be the true leader that I know how to be. I'm so thankful for the friends that I do have that help me get through so much in my life. I can't wait to see what the future holds and I can't wait to be detoxed from the stress.

So I've been here in Florida. Resting, relaxing, and focusing my life. It's been a giant success. I find myself growing closer to the Lord and preparing for Super Summer in 2 weeks (which I can't wait for). I've been able to reflect back on the semester and look at each situation and identify whether it is good or bad, and how I can fix it. I know that it will involve letting people in my life go, but I also know it will be better for my sanity.

I'll blog again later about the specifics of what I've been doing, but for now, I'm gonna go watch a movie with my mom. Toodles!

>K

ANDDDD HAPPY BIRTHDAY KRISTA MERKLE.

A Whole Month

It's been almost an entire month since my last blog, but since life is calming down, I will have more time to blog. This month has been ridiculously crazy. With school and work, I have barely had time to breathe. This month has really showed me God's grace, and has been helping me grow more in Him. I wish I could remember all the things that have happened this month, but I definitely know I can't remember all of it.

I had finals, which went very well. As soon as my last final was over, I went straight into mini-term. Probably the worst idea I ever had. It was a three week public relations case study analysis class. I had class every day from 9-12, then worked 12-6, then usually went to the library to work with my group from 6-10, and by the time I got home I would be exhausted and go straight to bed. So needless to say, the only people I had interaction with were my group members.

Even though mini-term was terrible, something did come out of it. I didn't have a place to live, or people to live with, and neither did one of my group members, so I will soon be a resident of the Woodlands with my group member Tabatha. I think this will be better than the situation I am in now because we don't really hang out with the same people, so we won't have to worry. Plus, we have a lot of similar views and habits, so it should be good. I think I am most excited that I will have my own bedroom AND bathroom!

What else happened?

Oh yes. The bad part of the month. I had some really heartbreaking issues this month. I had my heart broken by someone I thought cared about me, my friend Addison almost bit the dust, and my friend Austin was murdered. Not such a fun month.

Through getting my heart broken, I have learned that I cannot just give my heart to anyone. I have to make sure that the person is right for me. I get so tangled up in words, and I don't ever step back and think about the consequences. And boy were these big. I found out a lot of new information that made me thankful that I didn't get too involved with that person. I know that God has the perfect person out there for me, and I'm excited for Him to reveal that in His time, not mine. For now, I'm not going to worry about it.

Addison is one of my dearest friends from high school. I found out that he was in the hospital and was having a lot of issues. He had a lot of pain and some swelling. All very scary things. Since then, he is doing better. The doctors still have no idea what happened to him and probably never will, but I'm just glad he is doing better.

I was sitting in class one day and logged on to utsports.com, and the lead story was about Ramar Smith. All of this is normal, he used to play UT basketball before he got kicked off for drugs and grades. The reason there was a story on him was because he robbed a boy named Kinder at his apartment complex. Ramar turned himself in but was out on bail after an hour.

Thats Ramar up there. I don't really like him much right now, and here's why. The day after he robbery, a man was shot at the Woodlands apartment complex. I was reading the story in class, and the boys name was Charles Corn. I was very interested because I knew a boy named Charles Austin Corn, so I facebooked it, and sure enough, it was Austin. Austin and I went to high school together, and I was friends with his sister. He used to tease me when I was in middle school, but was always nice to me once I was older.

It's been rough ever since. He was in critical condition, and I thought he would be ok, but he died last Sunday. I know Austin made some bad decisions, but I pray that he knew what was right and that he was following the Lord. I know his family is in the utmost pain, so I would really appreciate if everyone would pray for him.

I also got to see my dad perform this month. I went to Cherokee, North Carolina which is pretty close to Knoxville. My friend Amanda went with me and we had a great time. It was a whole lot of fun, and my parents invited us to go to Dollywood with the bus driver's family on Memorial Day. So we went and had an amazing time. I couldn't ask for a better day in the park.

That's pretty much all the exciting events that have happened in May. I'm leaving Knoxville on Monday and going to Florida on Tuesday. I'll definitely blog more while I'm down there!

Peace out ya'll!